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2010.  The year of a comeback.  Ironically, I thought I had made a comeback in 2009, but in reality I just “came back” to Baltimore, I didn’t truly make a comeback because it seemed as though I was always running from something.  I’ve already touched on a lot of my favorite moments of 2010 in my reverb posts so far, but there are others that can’t go without mention. 

Snow fell and I shoveled my way out of 2009 and into 2010. Celebrated Valentine’s Day by myself for the first time since my freshman year of college.  And…I survived.  Danced in the rain during a wet Federal Hill bar crawl.  Said an overdue goodbye.  Went back to blonde.  I joined match.com, talked to some….interesting people, but met one amazing person in particular.  Applied to graduate school and got in.  Studied furiously for the Praxis II and passed, despite the fact that I walked out feeling like I had just failed an English test for the first time in my entire life.  Moved out of the city and into the semi-suburbs.  Cohabitated before engagement when I swore I’d never do it again.  Ate my words.  Let some friends go, grew closer to others.  Welcomed my 3^rd nephew into the world.  Took a few boat rides, soaked up the sun, and spent the 4^th of July in the water, instead of being scared of it.  Laid on the beach, got taken down by a huge wave, and got sunburnt.  Saw my nephew get married, had a mini-family reunion in California.  Celebrated the majority of my closest friends’ engagements and weddings.  Finished up a packed semester only to realize I want to do something slightly different. 

And here I am again, waiting for the snow to fall so that I have an excuse to stay in and read all day, and maybe even break out a shovel again. 

2010 was very, very good to me.

I’ve gone back and forth with how not to make this post sound annoying or conceited.  So here is my try.  Forgive me if I’ve failed.

Until this year, I didn’t really know how easy I’ve had it.  If you recall this post, this semester I got to hear stories from my classmates of their experiences with middle and high school, mostly negative.  Sure, I had my fair share of bad haircuts and embarrassing moments, but overall, I loved those years.  (I also had NO idea how awkward I was at the time, probably a good thing in retrospect.)  The past couple of years has brought its share of heartbreak and hardship, but I’ve come out alive and (fairly) unharmed. 

I appreciate the fact that I am blessed.

I have spent my life, thus far, in good health and laughing often.  Despite my social anxiety, I’ve never had trouble making friends.  In high school, I realized I could be smart and funny at the same time and there was even a NAME for it…I was witty.  I have gotten bad haircuts and managed to pull them off.  My clothes may not be designer, but I get complimented on them often.   (Once, a girl in a Georgetown bar asked me where my shirt was from, when I told her Target I thought she was going to have to ask her friend to pick her jaw up off the floor.  I had personally offended and shocked her simultaneously.  Success.) In college, I had my pick of sororities and beamed on bid day when I ended up exactly where I knew I would.   I have walked out of a job interview knowing that I had the job, despite the tough market and my lack of experience. 

When my confidence has failed me, I have learned to fake it until I believe it. 

I have lost some battles in my life, but I’ve won the ones that really ever mattered.  Instead of dwelling on the strength that it took to get through those things, which I often do in my posts, I’ve shifted my attention.  I appreciate the times I didn’t have to muster up that strength, to be honest. 

I’m not sure if it’s blessed or lucky, but either way….I’ll take it.

I have 45 minutes until my final exam starts so I’m going to make this quick.  (I didn’t want to fall behind and let my owed posts pile up!)

As most of you know, I went back to graduate school last summer to teach.  Change of plans.  After two semesters, I’ve realized that yes, I absolutely hands down, want to be in education.  But not necessarily in instruction.  There are a few factors that go into it, but I felt like I was just sort of missing the mark in terms of what I wanted to do.  I was so close.  So, with 2 weeks left in the semester, I asked my advisor about making the move, and last week I got my acceptance letter for the program of School Counseling.  And that is that.

I’m nervous.  The teaching program was sort of a piece of cake.  (I may kick myself for saying that once I walk into this final.)  I’m not sure if it was easy for me because I really enjoyed it, or because it wasn’t your typical writing papers and reading type of program.  It was more of a make bulletin boards and dream up lesson plans type of program.  As it should be.  And now I’m walking into the world of counseling, full of theories, and definitely full of papers.  I haven’t written a legitimate research paper since probably my junior year of college.  This should be interesting.  APA citations?  Yeah, going to have to review that.

Not only am I making a pretty major change, but I’m also lengthening the amount of time I’ll be in school, and throwing away 6 hard-earned credits.  I learned after four years in an industry that didn’t quite fit me that it’s not worth it to go through life doing something you’re “eh” about.

So my next step is walking into another group of people who I don’t know yet.  Walking into classes that I don’t have much experience in.  And writing papers that have nothing to do with being creative.  But ultimately, I’m that much closer to my goal.

So yeah, I’d like to think I make things happen.  Only 2011 will tell.

Well, folks, it has happened.  Reverb has stumped me.  Not only do I not fully understand the question, but I can’t think of a moment when I felt integrated with my body.  I spent the majority of the year with mysterious and fairly severe aches and pains in my joints and certain areas of my body.  I looked everything up online, diagnosed myself with at least 10 different conditions, got blood work done twice, and spoke with the doctor.  By the time I got a referral to a rheumatologist…I was done with my full-time job and out of health benefits.  I had been to the doctor so many times that I was considered high risk for health insurance, so I couldn’t afford to get my own benefits unless I went through the state.  Suddenly, the health care crisis was very real for me.  Even harder than dealing with the insurance issue, was facing every day in pain.  I sat through work with a heating pad, downing Advil, trying every cream you can possibly imagine, including one that included capsaicin.  Unless you have absolutely no tolerance for pain and you don’t have a single inch of sensitive skin on your body, I wouldn’t recommend applying any cream with capsaicin in it liberally.  In fact, I would really discourage you.  I thought my back had lit on fire.  I digress.  I had seen the commercials for fibromyalgia and arthritis and never really paid much attention to them.  Suddenly, blowing my hair dry in the morning became what felt like a marathon.  My legs tired while walking from the car to my work building.  One night I could barely move my back was so stiff, I felt like someone had their hands wrapped around my spine and was squeezing as tight as they could.  And no one could really tell me much of anything.  They did tell me that exercise was the best thing I can do.  Sure, when every joint in my body hurts, the first thing I want to do is go put pressure on all of them.  When I got the results of my first blood test, it was low iron.  They tested for Lyme Disease and Lupus, both negative.  I refused to believe that I was in such constant, awful pain because I wasn’t eating enough spinach.  I started to wonder if I was going crazy — every day brought a new ache.  My elbows throbbed when I drove, my back ached all night.  Here I am, months later, with icy hot on my elbows as I speak.  The pain has lessened, but is still present.  I noticed a lot of it went away after I stopped working, which might mean it was stress related or it had to do with the way I sat all day.  I realize this post has become a bit of a tangent, but I realized after reading today’s prompt that I have never felt less integrated with my body than I did this year.  It felt so separate, so foreign. 

I hope that 2011 brings a cohesive me, alive and present.  I would love nothing more.   

I’m a day behind on reverb, I know.  It’s finals week.  That’s all I have to say. 

Romanticizing

One of my worst habits.  I have a tendency to romanticize everything – people, jobs, places, you name it, I remember it far better than it really was.  As we drove through VA on our way to NC, I talked about how much I missed the suburban feeling of the area.  I failed to mention that I spent my daily commute basically banging my head against the steering wheel while I sat in an hour’s worth of traffic. 

Unnecessary stress

I’ve gotten much better about it, but I still stress about things that are out of my control.  I need to be less impatient, remember that not everyone or everything can satisfy my need for instant gratification, nor should they. 

Toxic friends

Positivity breeds positivity and negative breeds negativity.  End of story.

Things

Am I going to go donate my entire wardrobe?  No.  But I’m going to go through it, like I do every other year and get rid of anything I haven’t worn in the past year.  I’m also vowing to stop buying crap quality clothes and only getting one season out of them.  Like I’ve said before,  I have nothing to show for my credit card debt but cheap clothes.  Not acceptable. 

Perfection

I have always admitted to being a perfectionist, but there are certain times in my life when it has been more apparent.  This semester was one of them.  I realized that the sheer thought of anything less than a high “A” in school caused me a full-blown panic attack.  I couldn’t hand in anything that didn’t go above and obnoxiously beyond the rubric I had been given.  Perfectionism is my biggest flaw and my biggest strength, all rolled into one.  It pushes me to go farther, but it tends to leave me pushing…forever. 

Caffeine

I have given up caffeine and if you know me, this is an AMAZING feat.  I don’t plan on giving it up forever, but I did feel like it was getting a teeeeensy bit out of hand.  I couldn’t function like a normal human being without at least 3 cups, and the thought of not having immediate access to coffee in the morning would give me anxiety.  Addicted much?

Extreme Organization/Procrastination

I need to find a balance.  I often find myself so organized, so ahead of things, that I run out of things to do.  I buy birthday cards 3 months in advance, get a good chunk of reading done before the semester starts, and have things in my planner up to a year in advance.  On the other side of the spectrum, I also have gotten into a habit of putting off school work.  I will spend a perfectly FREE Friday doing everything BUT homework, leaving myself with a heap of things to do on Sunday afternoon.  Perhaps I can find a middle ground.

More credit card debt

I’ve come so far in terms of paying it off, I can’t stop now.  I also can’t start spending again.  It’s tempting to think ohhh, just a little bit won’t hurt, I’ll pay it off, and keep my credit going.  No.  That’s what got me here in the first place. 

Unhealthy habits

Stop tanning.  Check.  Stop stressing so much.  Check.  Yearly physical.  Check.  Dentist appointment.  No check.  I have to get over my fear of the dentist and go before my teeth fall out.  I’m hoping that actually writing it out will make me feel slightly more accountable for it. 

Eating out

This could probably fall under unhealthy habits, but eating out is hard on my wallet and my body.  Being on the go more often than I’d like, I have a tendency to grab what’s easy, rather than take the time to go grocery shopping and cook.  The worst part is, I like to cook AND I’m a good cook!  I have no excuse!

Self-doubt

Like perfectionism, self-doubt tends to keep me pushing to be better, but leaves me second guessing myself more often than not.  Whether it’s about my work, my writing, my body, or just life in general, I could do without the self-doubt.

How will getting rid of these things change my life?  I’d say pretty drastically!  It’s a lot to be accountable for, but I’m up for the challenge and determined to make 2011 the best year yet.

In a bit of a cop-out, I’m going to answer today’s prompt with a link to an older post that I wrote this year.  I thought through all the decisions I made this year, and there we a lot, and thought one still trumped them all.  I may not have convinced my friends to give up tanning just yet, but I’m hoping one day they will realize how beautiful they are (and healthier) without the extra sun.  In the meantime, I can only make decisions for myself.  I’m still learning to love my oh-so-pale complexion, and believe me there are days when I literally long to jump in a tanning bed, even if it’s just for ten minutes.  But, I haven’t caved yet, and my skin is softer and healthier than it’s even been.  And when I can no longer stand being pasty…there’s always tan in a can. 

See my full post and further photographic evidence of my transition from Casper to Spring Break and back to Casper  here.

You really want me to choose just one?  Well, I can’t.  So I have two, but I’ll make one short.  The first thing that came to mind when I saw today’s prompt was my surprise birthday party thanks to my loving boyfriend and one of my amazing best friends.  And of course, the rest of my besties that showed up to celebrate.  I thought dinner with 6 of my favorite people was the surprise….and then I walked into a bar (and ongoing dance party) of all of my friends.  It was the most thoughtful birthday surprise I’ve ever had.  Besides when my parents threw me a surprise 13^th birthday party…I showed up wearing my retainer.  I mean…they couldn’t have given me a LITTLE hint?? Geez. 

The other party was the St. Patrick’s Day bar crawl in Canton.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the area, Baltimore is divided into three sections of bars across the city.  Canton, being one of them, is a square of bars and restaurants and holds many of my favorite memories from the past almost five years.  I’ve mentioned in my other reverb posts that I wasn’t really myself for the first part of the year, but this day stands out as one where I truly felt like me again. 

My side ached all day.  I had gotten my tattoo down the right side of my ribs the night before with one of my best friends.  I wore green (duh) and had spray tanned myself enough to look like I had just arrived from Cancun that morning.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.  We all had drinks at a friend’s house beforehand.  It was a warm day and after the winter that Baltimore was hit with, we were anxious to see sunshine and peel off a few layers.  I wore short sleeves and remember how good the sun felt on my arms.  I got an entire beer spilled down the front of me in the first hour that I was at one of my favorite bars.  The guy was unapologetic.  I was soaked.  

I had been avoiding the Square since my ex moved to that side of the city.  I felt like I had finally reclaimed it.  I laughed, without worry, with my friends.  It was one of the most liberating feelings I had felt in a while.  

When I think of my friends or loved ones, I had a specific memory of them and that is how I remember them.  For Brandon, it is from this day.  We had met a little less than a month before, things were still new and awkward, and we had never been around each other’s friends.  I spotted him, outside the bar next door, and ran – yes, ran – to give him a flying hug.  I’m not sure if you’re familiar with that, but if a flying squirrel was coming at you to give you a hug…it would look like me at that moment.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that I was wearing a hat so he didn’t recognize the strange person running towards him, arms open, or if he was just genuinely scared (totally possible and most likely), but I ignored the look on his face and forced, yet another awkward hug.  This one was a bit more well-received than this one (#2 on the list).  

The day continued with drinks and laughs.  I think, at times, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.  We sloppily ordered quesadillas at Nacho Mamas and I still can’t believe the “Chicken Chesapeake Quesadilla” was my choice at the time. 

That was my party of 2010.  My friends, my future love, and a smile that lasted so long that it hurt.

I thought long and hard about this one.  We would all like to think how different we are from everyone else, but when you actually have to back up with the how, it gets a little trickier. 

If an elephant never forgets, I’m legitimately the queen elephant.  I have a memory that rarely fails me.  It’s a blessing and a curse, but it sets me apart nonetheless.  It comes in handy during arguments or debates, when I can pull a “oh really? Remember when (fill in the blank) happened and you said (fill in the blank)?  I do.”  It fills me with so much joy I might burst when I can recall, down to the last detail, smell, or piece of clothing, some of the best memories in my life.  But there are times when I my memory serves me so well that it hurts.  Most of us block things out, intentionally or not.  People I can block out.  Memories I cannot.  There are times when a smell will nearly bring me to my knees as I’m overwhelmed with the memories attached to it.  (Side note: They have shows for psychic kids, I think I deserve my own show for this little talent, no?)

I never outgrew my creativity, instead it grew with me.  I can make up ridiculous scenarios and talk about them for 20 minutes without even cracking a laugh or a smile.  You may overhear my friends and I talking about our life as celebrities, being stalked by the paparazzi.  Or another friend may be asking me where our pet baby penguin has gone, since she last saw him in the bathtub.  Yes, I have legitimate pets that do not exist, that I can have full on conversations about.  This is when different becomes “different” as in…just weird.  I’m fine with being weird.  English nerds are supposed to be weird.

I’m not a people pleaser by definition, but I cannot stand the sight of a family member or friend upset.  When they hurt, I hurt.  I’ll do everything in my power to cheer someone up.  I will answer my phone at 3am or drop everything to show up at a friend’s house with a latte…or a bottle of wine, depending on the situation.  I love my close relationships so much that I often put them before myself.  I want the best for everyone around me so badly.  I wish I could give it to them. 

If I could spend 24 hour a day, 7 days a week making the faces of my friends and family light up, I would do it, in a heartbeat.

Physically, I am beautifully different.  I have two scars from my chicken pox, one underneath my chin (next to my scar from a fall in college, another story for another time) and another on my stomach.  I have an awkwardly long torso that I used to hate and have grown to love.  I broke my nose in middle school and have had a bump ever since.  My front tooth is chipped from a sorority sister accidentally knocking a bottle into it in college (sounds worse than it was, I swear).  I have big feet.  Everyone will say “they don’t look big”, but everyone also thinks I’m 3-4 inches taller than I really am.  “You’re like 5’7 right?”  Nope…5’4 and a little bit.  If I was 5’7, I’d be less concerned about my disproportionate feet.  It took me until the last few years to ever wear flats.  I was convinced I looked like Ronald McDonald.  I still might, but I’m okay with that.  Mr. McDonald seems like a nice enough guy.  I grew up with big, blue eyes but can’t tell you the last time they were actually blue.  I’ve had big, green eyes for as long as I can remember, but my Mom still looks at me funny when I say they’re green. 

Thank you, reverb, for making me sit down and think – long and hard – about what it means for me to be beautifully different.  What does it mean for you?

2010 – I discovered a new community when I stepped foot into graduate school.  I was in need of some new faces in my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends.  Unfortunately, I don’t see many of them as much as I’d like, for a variety of reasons — they live far away, schedules always conflict, or we just don’t have as much in common as we did at one time.  I needed more social interaction in my life to make me feel a little more like a human being and less like a robot.  It has been refreshing to get to know people who I wouldn’t have ever met otherwise — some that I have tons in common with and others that couldn’t be more opposite from me.    They make me laugh, they listen to me gripe (and often gripe with me) about our lack of a social life due to school, and the good news is…most of them have a teensy bit of control freak in them, considering they all want to be teachers.  I was terrified before my first class, the old feelings from middle and high school rushed back, but now I’ve found yet another home and another set of familiar faces that never cease to make me smile on a daily basis.

2011 – I’m on a never ending quest for new groups of friends.  It was as if, once I realized I could go out and meet new people, I couldn’t be stopped.  I will admit I have slowed down (A LOT) since my life has gotten busier, but I’d like next year to bring more new faces….and new hobbies.  I’m in search of a new hobby, but haven’t decided just what it will be.  My Mom is a knitter (and an amazingly talented one at that) so I’m considering taking that up as long as I can find someone patient enough to deal with me and listen to me yell obscenities at my knitting needles.  I’m on a quest to find friends who are as busy as I am, but still are committed to making time for an occasional brunch on the weekends, glass of wine on a weeknight, or a movie night on a Friday.  I have a few of these friends, but with so many commitments and schedules, it seems the ones who can actually commit to these things (and want to) are often hard to come by.  I’ve already started “ramping up” and figured there was no reason to wait until 2011 to start.  I’m having lunch with a childhood friend next week, a Christmas girls night with two of my closest friends the week after, and will hopefully see some old familiar faces when I return to New Jersey for the holiday. 

I’m not going to lie, reverb10 has got me pretty darn excited for 2011.